Millions of parents of teenagers everywhere are desperate to know: how do I get my irrefutably average child a spot at a top college, one that will ensure him years of cocktail party one-upmanship, a respectable portion of debt, and lots of huge car-window decals? In this hilarious spoof on college-admissions guidebooks, Charles Monagan injects warmhearted humor into that American rite of passage: trying to get your lazy, not-as-smart-as-he-thinks-he-is, not-as-original-as-she-thinks-she-is teenagers into a fancy overpriced school with a big name so that they can eventually get a job and move out of your basement. From preconception strategies to the farce that is community service, Monagan's theories and suggestions are so outrageous they just might work. Monagan's unorthodox techniques and manufactured wisdom include gems like: --Marry your child's college counselor --Proactively name your child (Rockefeller? Elihu?) --Buying the SATs.